Conversation with boyfriend gone bad...

Well I had a not so great conversation with my boyfriend. I told him about me repeating sixth year and he came out with "I'm going into second year uni...I don't want a girlfriend who's still in school." It breaks my heart to know he feels this way. I wish he didn't and I wish more than anything he would understand why I am doing this. I don't think he's going to break up with me...I sound so childish I know but in the end my boyfriend is my world. He's my sun in the cloudy sky. He makes me smile when no one else can. Whenever I have to go to hospital, he holds my hand a lot of the times and it makes me feel safe, no one else can do that. It's not so much my boyfriend I am worried about loosing, it's my best friend...He's one of the only good things in my life. My health isn't great and he's the only one who can make me feel better about being ill. No other guys understand, not many people do but it was so hard to find a guy who understood and accepted me and loves me. I can't loose him, he's  my world and I cannot loose him over something which is out with of my control. If it was up to me I would be sitting my exams this year, but in the end what's the use? I've missed over half the year of school with inevitabley more to come...What's the point in setting myself up to fail more? I was under so much stress and pressure and I just need him to understand that. I know people say teenagers don't know what love is...but this isn't just a stupid crush for me, this is the real deal. There is no age limit on love, it exists and we feel it and know when we feel it. I love him so much and cannot accept that I may loose him. I can see him in my future, I cannot see past him. I just wish for once in my life something would actually go right rather than everything just going down hill. I feel like I'm letting him down, he wants me to go to college but I just think (although I haven't told him this) that the stress and pressure of having to move to somewhere unfamiluar will just be even worse than the stress and pressure I am under now. I want to be like everyone else in my school and be able to sit all of my prelims in the next two weeks...but I can't be and I've come to terms with that. I'm sorry for babling on and on but I do feel better just getting this all off my chest. I'm just typing, not really aware of what I'm saying anymore. The words are just spilling out onto here and I have no control over what I am saying. I'm doing this without thinking really. I like doing this because it's how I really feel and it's better than thinking about it because in the end I can get much more off my chest than if I were to think about it.

Feeling a lot more positive :)

Since my last post I've been in hospital again, luckily though it was only for one night and I escaped the following day. I'm still on prednisolone, a reducing dose that will hopefully work this time. Instead of them leaving me, telling me to stop taking the 5mg after 5 days they're now trying reducing by using 2mg for 5 days then 1mg for 5 days. So far it's worked, there's been no hospital visits, so *fingers crossed* that I won't have any for a while. It's my birthday in less than a week, February 2nd. My big 18th, needless to say I'm really excited. I think turning 18 will give me more confidence because I can go out to pubs and clubs, where I don't have to drink a lot if anything and just have a good time with some friends and meet people.

On a different note, I'm repeating this year at school next year. I feel so relieved that my school's letting me do it, it's taken a lot of the stress off me. I feel better about my exams now that I don't have to sit them for another year. We were meant to have prelims next weeka and the week after, I am still sitting one of them for practice, modern studies oh how fun! The rest however my teachers have agreed that I would be better at home catching up with work. I told my boyfriend about my plans to repeat this year at school and let's just say he was less than impressed. I don't think he fully understands how much the pressure and stress of having to study for four exams between numerous hospital visits was getting to me. I don't think he sees my reasoning behind sitting my exams next year and doing my highers over two years. Yes it's true, I will be 19 when I leave school and it's like I'm holding onto childhood or whatever, but in the end I would rather do that than be under the constant pressure and stress I was under. I hate failing at the best of times and at the back of my mind all I could see was fail. It makes me feel like a failure when I don't understand things in class, but that's understandable. I'm not a perfectionist but I hate getting things wrong and failing, that's why I took the decision to repeat this year at school. I feel that it will make me feel a lot better about my situation and that it will benefit me greatly. True it's not the best of choices and I don't want to repeat a whole year at school, but sometimes we do have to do things that we don't want to do. Good things come to people who wait and I think good will come out of this situation.

I have an appointment with one of the head respiratory consultants on the 6th of February, hopefully they will be able to come up with some solution that will help me with my hospital visits. It's horrible when it's something that's out with my control. I try to be strong but sometimes I just get scared and break down. I will do whatever it takes to pass my exams next year and remain well, I'm not just going to sit back and let my illness rule my life. I am defined as me, Nicole Bridget Gray. A nearly 18 year old girl who enjoys life, likes to have a laugh, loves hanging out with friends, loves her boyfriend to pieces, enjoys watching the stars in the night sky and generally likes to smile and laugh. I am not defined by asthma and anaphylaxis! I can beat this :)

Things are looking up

I've not written in my blog for a few days so I thought that I'd give everyone a bit of an update. I went back to school yesterday, it was my first day back after christmas and it went well. Schools just school in the end but I'm a bit of a geek where it's concerned and actually enjoy the thrill of learning, so you can imagine what missing school all the time does to me! My lungs are at bay and under control at the moment, there were a few moments of weakness though and it's not been an easy road to recovery this time rounds. There's been tears, a lot of nebulisers, the thought of dying and of course the constant black cloud of unhappiness that being ill brings with it. Luckily so far I've not ended up back in hospital. I just touched wood and had my fingers crossed when I said that as it's friday the 13th, the day that's meant to be unlucky but I just hope it's not for me. I've got my friends 19th party tomorrow and I really want to make it! She's hoping I can and so are other people going cause we've not seen each other in a while and this will almost be like a reuinion for us all. We're off to pizza hut, then the older people (18+) are off out clubbing so I'm just gonna go home :). I'm really looking forward to turning 18, I think it will bring my confidence up because it means I can go out and meet other people at clubs and stuff. Am I worried about my health? Yes very much, I'm worried I will go over my limit of drink and pass out or do something stupid when under the influence like eat something I shouldn't then try to administer an epi pen...I just hope everyone knows when to dial 999. I will try so hard not to get to that stage though, I'm making sure that when I go out I'm with at least one person who knows about my allergies and asthma and knows when to phone me an ambulance so I think I'm okay where that is concerned. I can't really remember the last time I've properly been able to go out and act like a normal teenager. I once went out and realised I'd forgotten to bring my epi pen, my friends were like just leave it but I had to go home and never bothered going back out as it was too late. It's something I know I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and I think I do deal with it as best as I can but sometimes I just feel like it's too hard to cope and I break down. They mostly do occur when I'm in hospital but sometimes they happen out of the blue in random places with no apparent means of trigger for them. The world can be a scary place at times, and I know that all to well. It's scary enough for people who don't have ill health but I think the realisation that I could die is what makes it a scarier place to be in. I've applied to five different universities for next year, I'm also applying for college too but I'm hoping that by May when it comes to sitting my exams I get good enough results. They are all aware of my bad health and some even give consideration for it as my schooling has been severely disrupted. I'm trying hard not to get stressed out and just cross the bridges that come to me when they come to me rather than thinking ahead and getting really panicked and stressed as that's definately not going to help! Life has thrown a lot at me but I am ready to face everything else with a happy word and a smile on my face :)

Rays of sunshine charity :)

I dunno if anyone reads this but hey ho! Here's another update from yours truly me :)

Good and bad news, first the bad news. My lungs are playing up again, nothing seems to be going in the right direction at the moment. I'm still on steriods yet it's really not helping, my peak flow is down from 500 to just 250 and below. I've had 3 nebulisers in the past 2 hours, not healthy or normal but I'm living, just trying to put off a hospital visit for as long as I can. I've only been out since friday and quite frankly I do not wish to go back in there anytime soon, but the reality of everything is it's inevitable so I'm just trying to make the most of what time I have out of hospital and not take life foregranted. Brittle asthma is what they say I have...type 2, not that it makes much difference it is what it is, a severe and uncontrolable form of asthma. I hate to say it but I'm scared...I'm even more scared of dying than before. I'm scared I'll never get to do everything I want to. I feel like I've set myself up to fail with university and everything, I know in my heart I won't get those 4 exam results I need this year because I've been too sick. I went to the doctors today because I thought I had a throat infection as I have little of a voice. She looked but couldn't find infection, took a throat swab and told me if there was little or no improvement to phone back on friday to arrange an appointment where she will phone the ent's and get me an appointment to have a larengescope. It's a camera down your throat. I've looked it up on wikipedia and I can say I am in the horrors and have stated I want sedated for it.

The good news now, just so it's not all negative. My mum has applied to the rays of sunshine charity for me. It's a charity which grants wishes to children aged 3-18 who are living with life-threatning or life-limiting conditions. She's applied because she thinks I deserve happiness from the hospital. You had to choose 3 wishes that you would most like to come true, the ones I did choose were: 1- to meet j.k and maybe some harry potter cast members or go to the harry potter experience in London. 2- To go to where casualty is filmed and maybe meet some cast members and 3- to go to where grey's anatomy was filmed and maybe meet some cast members. We are unsure if I qualify but it's worth a try. :) I will keep you guys updated but for now I'm good

Love and peace
Nicole

Hospital must have missed me (1/1/2012-6/1/2012)

I've not written in my blog for a few days now so I appologise for that but unfortunately the hospital seemed to miss me too much and I had to go back in. 1st January 2012, a new start for many people, a time when they make new years resolutions. I myself made one...I'm not going to hospital for a while...Well that lasted the best part of about 19 hours. I was fine then the coughing started. I upped my nebulisers but as usual it was no use and I had to phone my mum to tell her I had to go to out of hours at 11pm. When I got there, saw the doctor he immediately phoned 999 for an ambulance and put me on a neb. The ambulance came and I was blue lighted all the way up to the hospital. I spent about the best part of 5 hours wheezing away, nebulisers wouldn't stop it, I was getting so fed up. Eventually the wheezing stopped and I was transferred to a ward at 3am. What a socialble hour indeed.

I fell asleep for the best of an hour and got a wake up call from a doctor at 4:30am. I was going to go mad until I noticed how good looking he was so I grinned and beared it :). I got transferred to my usual ward of 204, respiratory at about 12am the next day. I seemed to be improving but as usual with me nothing ever goes the way I want it to.

Custard...yes you just read that right, I was nearly killed on 3 occasions by custard...I mean come on...I ate my dinner, ate my 'lovely' pudding of custard then ten minutes later there was a lovely rash all the way up and down my arms...

Then it was the inability to breathe, take the epi pen and onto the oxygen. I do of course rock the look as you can see in the picture below :p.



So after all that lovely commotion had happened you'd think I would at least get a good nights sleep? Wrong...On two occasions they had the ICU doctor, the anastethtic doctor and the head consultant of respiratory down thinking if they were going to transfer me to ICU in nature of my reactions. After a lot of needles, shots of adrenaline and nebulisers I eventually settled and began to feel better.

To cut a long story short, I eventually did begin to get better and even though I'm not 100% I am home now, very happy to be home at that :)