Why can't my life be NORMAL? Literally...I'm not complaining or anything, I'm very grateful for everything I have as in reality there are people who are in reality so much worse of than me but I just want to be healthy...Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry for the nerd rage but I'm just not feeling up to doing anything today...I wasn't even going to write in my blog, but I thought this will help, get my feelings out to whoever does read this. My breathing is really getting me down today. It's not too bad but it's still bad enough so I don't think I can leave the house today, I don't want to, I mean I feel exhausted yet I've had more than enough sleep. I can't walk far without feeling breathless, I can't be normal...
Onto other things other than my nerd raging...Back to the story of my life I guess...
I feel like I've set myself up to fail where my exams are concerned. As I'm always in hospital I miss so much school...28 hospital admissions this year has left me missing half of school so far...which in turn has effected my course work so much. Four highers is no piece of cake when at school all of the time but I am really struggling. I try to catch up as best as I can but it really doesn't work...I spend my life waiting...Wondering...When am I going to be rushed back to hospital?
I've been to high dependancy once, and I hated it so much...Worse though was intensive care. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I'd been sedated and unconcious which I spent that whole period of time wishing I was. That sounds really bad but...I just wanted to scream and cry when I was there. I felt so scared, everyone had tubes down their throats and I was wide awake watching death happening around me, I do not think I have been so scared in my life...Intensive care is somewhere I will be grateful if I never have to go to again, but it is inevitable that it will happen. Sure I did only spend 24 hours there but those had to be the most frightening 24 hours of my life...Worse than stopping breathing or having to get numerous injections.
This is basically the story of my life nowadays: injections, nebulisers, oxygen, tablets and fighting for my life...It gets really scary at times, worse is when people don't understand. I had a best friend...I don't anymore because of the reason I am about to explain. She went around my whole school telling people that I lied about being in hospital and being ill to get attention off people...I can cope with being accused of lying about a lot of things but when it comes to my health it's something which hits a nerve...Sure it sounds really unlikely that a girl spends half of the time she should be at school in hospital but stranger things happen...I actually cried because it frustrates me so much to think that people actually believe I would lie. I have scars from getting i.v lines put in, I have to take tablets, nebulisers every day just to keep me alive...I've had to have ambulances called for me numerous times and yet no matter what they do they cannot help...It's scary enough but when accused of lying I just can't take it...
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