My father...

This post is going to be different, it's about something other than my hospital admissions. It's about the one thing that completely changed me as a person, broke me into pieces and the one thing that I will never fully recover from. Despite health conditions until December 2010, I was a happy teenager. I had friends, a loving father and mother and a great life. 6th December is when all of that changed, when the ground was almost taken out from under me and I was left with nothing. 6th December 2010 was the day my father died. It's a day I'll never forget and for all of the wrong reasons. It was like any other day, I was at school and nothing extra ordinary happened. It was really bad snow so I had to leave at 11am to go get the bus home so I would be able to get home. I phoned my dad and we arranged to go Christmas shopping on the Wednesday. We talked on the phone for a little bit then said goodbye and I went ahead with my normal day, oblivious to the fact that it would be the last time I'd ever hear my fathers voice. That day was normal. I remember being in my bedroom watching Corrination Street, it was the day of the tram crash so it was an hour long episode. I remember the police coming to the door and weirdly enough I thought they'd come to arrest my mum. I walked downstairs at one point and my mum walked out and asked if I had any of my dads brothers house numbers, I didn't think anything of it and said no. I went back upstairs and shortly afterwards the police left. My mum came into my bedroom and asked me to switch of the tv, I did so and she sat down. She simply looked at me and said "Nicole, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to say it. It's your dad, he's dead." As soon as she said that sentence my eyes flooded with tears and I screamed no over and over again. I couldn't quite believe it. I didn't understand how he could be gone, he was fine earlier on. My mum told me he'd been found on the road and a veterinary nurse tried to perform CPR but it was too late he was gone. An autopsy revealed that he'd died from a heart attack which killed him instantly. He'd been ill since 2001 with kidney failure and was on dialysis. He'd had hope with a transplant once, but when they tried to connect the kidney unfortunately his nerve endings were too dead so they couldn't connect it, sometimes I ask myself if he'd had that transplant would he still be alive today? It's been hard living without a father. Sometimes I feel okay then other times I just break down and feel I can't cope. I still have his house and mobile number in my phone and the amount of times I've gone to phone him then suddenly remembered that he's gone and never coming back. I remember being angry at my father, for leaving me. I couldn't understand why it had to be my dad. At his funeral I read a poem that I had written. Here it is:

He walked your paths,
He lead your life,
He did it all just for you,
He did it all the right way too.
Tears of unhappiness won't bring him back,
Dozens of memories that I seem to lack,
Thinking of him like he has just gone,
Not really gone but gone to sleep,
Tired of living not tired of sleeping.
If there was any way to bring him back,
I'd be on it in an instant,
Any way to wipe my tears,
The tears I cry inside then I'd find it.
I wish a million tears would bring him back,
But they can't and that's a fact.

R.I.P to my father, George Gray, forever in my heart <3